> cat /var/log/failures.log

A comprehensive record of when things went wrong.

All the chaos openai (63) snyk (58) webflow (57) grafana (47) fly (38) fivetran (37) supabase (32) hashicorp (26) github (26) anthropic (26) aws (25) linear (20) jira (17) elastic (17) lovable (16)
🟢 JIRA Sep 03, 2026
🟡 JIRA decided to ghost US East users mid-afternoon. Turns out distributed systems are like relationships: sometimes one side just stops responding and nobody knows why. Engineers are 'actively investigating' which is corporate for 'we're refreshing our dashboards every 30 seconds and stress-eating snacks.'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Sep 01, 2026
⚪ Your tickets spent 7 hours refusing to move between states like they had commitment issues. Atlassian found the root cause, applied the metaphorical duct tape, and declared victory. All your blocked sprints can finally unblock. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Aug 27, 2026
⚪ Jira, Confluence, and Service Management took an unscheduled vacation across multiple regions, leaving teams staring at error pages. Atlassian flipped the switch back on and now pretends nothing happened. Postmortem coming soon, probably written in a very calming font. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Jul 06, 2026
🟠 Atlassian's dynamic duo went full Sleeping Beauty for a bit—automation was napping hard. Fix deployed, recovery underway, though anything submitted during the blackout is now digitally deceased. Full resurrection expected within the hour if the universe cooperates. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Jun 19, 2026
🟠 Jira's email-to-ticket pipeline forgot how to read Microsoft OAuth credentials, leaving some customers with a pile of unprocessed messages. Now fixed, but affected folks need to re-auth their mail servers like it's their first day on the internet again. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Jun 01, 2026
🟡 Atlassian engineers discovered that looking at issues and boards is now a luxury EU-only feature. They're investigating why their software decided to play hide-and-seek with half the continent. Updates promised 'within an hour' (translator note: assume 4-6 hours minimum). (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA May 08, 2026
🔴 Turns out 'the cloud' is just someone else's server, and today someone else's server is having an existential crisis. Multiple Atlassian services went dark because their hosting provider forgot to pay the electricity bill (probably). (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA May 02, 2026
⚪ Jira's Work Item view finally remembered how to display things after deciding to ghost everyone for 48 minutes. Engineers are still playing detective with the root cause—translation: they have no idea what happened but hope it doesn't again tomorrow. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA May 02, 2026
🟠 Jira's Work Item view is playing hide-and-seek with users, taking support tickets along for the ride. Engineering team is actively investigating, which is corporate-speak for 'restarting servers and refreshing energy drinks.'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA May 02, 2026
🟠 Jira's issue viewing experience decided to ghost users while support tickets went full Houdini. Engineers are investigating whether the feature simply forgot how to work or if it's just being theatrical about it. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Apr 14, 2026
🟡 Rovo's automation agents decided to ghost users mid-workflow. JIRA's status page claims they're 'investigating,' which is corporate for 'our Slack is on fire right now.' Expect your rules to work about as well as a security camera in a dark room. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Apr 08, 2026
🔴 JIRA's search function decided to go on an unscheduled sabbatical, and like a bad roommate, it dragged Confluence, Rovo Chat, User Management, and Guard down with it. Atlassian engineers are currently in crisis mode, promising updates in an hour (which in incident time means 'we have no idea yet'). (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Mar 19, 2026
🔴 JIRA - Automations aren't triggering on work item creation, field updates, or comment a. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Feb 07, 2026
⚪ JIRA and JSM ghosted users for a bit on Feb 6, then suddenly reappeared claiming everything was fine. Atlassian's version of 'my phone died, sorry' - but for an entire ticketing system. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Feb 05, 2026
⚪ JIRA and JSM ghosted us-east-1 users for 29 minutes before remembering where they work. 🍃 Atlassian's way of saying 'time zone drift' = infrastructure amnesia. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Feb 03, 2026
🟡 Atlassian's identity service decided to stop recognizing people, breaking OAuth for Jira and Confluence mobile users plus Forge apps. Engineers are investigating—which corporate-speak means they're still figuring out which log file to check first. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 JIRA Jan 19, 2026
⚪ JIRA's create and view issue features took an unscheduled nap, leaving some customers staring at blank screens. The good news: it woke up, apologized, and promised to behave. The better news: nobody actually uses JIRA willingly anyway, so most didn't notice. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)