> cat /var/log/failures.log
A comprehensive record of when things went wrong.
🟢 ELASTIC
5d ago
🟡 Elastic's GCP us-central1 region decided projects should come with a 'read receipts disabled' feature. Some Serverless deployments are either moving at geological timescales or vanishing entirely. The status page says 'investigating' which is tech speak for 'we're refreshing our monitors and hoping it fixes itself.'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Sep 17, 2026
🟡 Elastic's AutoOps can't find its node metrics (CPU, memory, disk) in certain regions—they're just gone from recent time ranges. The good news: your data's fine, cluster health is fine, everything else is fine. It's just the one thing you need to see that's MIA. ETA on the scavenger hunt: 2 hours. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Sep 16, 2026
🟡 Elastic's own support portal decided to become unsupported. The company that helps you monitor everything apparently turned off monitoring for, well, everything. They're 'investigating' with their provider—translation: playing hot potato with blame while customers scream into the void. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
⚪ ELASTIC
Aug 27, 2026
⚪ Someone deployed a DNS config change that yeet'd .apm endpoints into the void. Serverless customers got the silent treatment for ~9 hours until engineers remembered these endpoints existed. Elastic's internal DNS provider apparently needed a nap.
⚪ ELASTIC
Jul 21, 2026
⚪ 🔍 Elastic's monitoring agents decided to practice the strong, silent type for three days straight. Turns out metrics weren't flowing anywhere—just vibes and prayers. The patient is stable now, but AutoOps dashboards are looking patchier than a conspiracy theorist's evidence board.
🟢 ELASTIC
Jul 02, 2026
🟡 Elastic's EIS decided the first fix was just a preview. Now investigating why the band-aid fell off. Engineers currently speed-running 'Remediation: The Sequel' with a subset of customers as reluctant beta testers. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jul 01, 2026
🟠 Elastic's inference engine decided EMEA doesn't exist. GCP and Azure customers in that region are experiencing what we in the industry call 'the silent treatment.' Investigation ongoing, which is corporate-speak for 'we're checking the logs and muttering.'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jul 01, 2026
🟡 Elastic's internal monitoring decided to stream data at dial-up speeds across Azure regions. Your deployment metrics are basically playing hide-and-seek with the UI. They're still there, just *very* committed to the suspense. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jun 29, 2026
🟡 Bekitzur-hosted services (maps, ML models, redirect shortener) decided to ghost users after someone's Terraform config got creative. Kibana maps and ML features now permanently on vacation, elastic-agent wondering what happened to go.elastic.co. Engineers currently reading Terraform docs they should've read yesterday. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jun 04, 2026
🟡 Elastic decided Azure serverless needed more 'server' and less 'less' — project creation now moves at geological timescales while existing deployments ghost their users. Engineers are investigating why their infrastructure apparently needs a coffee break. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
May 29, 2026
🟡 Elastic's cloud infrastructure decided to follow Microsoft's lead into the dumpster. Users getting intermittent errors because apparently 'serverless' means relying on someone else's servers catching fire. Team is monitoring the situation, which is corporate speak for 'refreshing the status page nervously'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
May 11, 2026
🟠 Elastic's Serverless trifecta (Search, Ingest, EIS) decided to ghost users for 100 minutes. Root cause found and fixed, but that's what we call 'confidence building' in production. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Apr 15, 2026
{
"skip": true
}
```
This is scheduled maintenance, not an incident. Per the rules, we skip scheduled/planned maintenance events. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Mar 27, 2026
🔴 ELASTIC - AutoOps deployments marked as Inactive in AWS us-east-1 region. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Mar 09, 2026
🟠 Elastic's Docker registry and orchestration went fishing in us-central1, but they're back from vacation. Monitoring's still twitchy though, like a recovering addict at a coffee convention. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jan 19, 2026
🟡 AutoOps got caught playing hide-and-seek in GCP us-central-1 and lost spectacularly for 42 minutes. Engineers found the body, applied a fix, and are now nervously refreshing dashboards to make sure it doesn't pull a Lazarus. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)
🟢 ELASTIC
Jan 19, 2026
⚪ Elastic's AutoOps decided Christmas morning was the perfect time for a regional nap in GCP us-central-1, then remembered it had a job around 2 AM. Now they're monitoring it like a sleep-deprived parent checking if the kid's still breathing. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)