🟡 One availability zone in us-east-1 decided to go dark, turning replicas into time travelers and connections into fiction. PlanetScale's status page is doing that thing where 'investigating' means engineers are stress-eating at their desks. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)

🟡 PlanetScale's Vitess clusters in GCP decided simultaneous ghosting was on brand—Iowa, Montreal, Seoul, and Virginia all taking connectivity timeouts. Investigators report the databases are present but spiritually absent. Schrödinger's data: simultaneously connected and not connected. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)

🟠 PlanetScale's Query Insights metrics are ghosting users—reporting fewer queries than actually happened. Your databases are fine, but the telescope measuring them needs glasses. They're deploying fixes now, probably after coffee. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)

🟡 PlanetScale's Northern Virginia servers discovered they don't actually need to accept connections. Engineering team now interrogating the infrastructure about its sudden commitment issues. Remediation in progress, which is consultant-speak for 'we're Googling this.'. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)

🔴 PlanetScale's dashboard and API discovered that memory is finite. Turns out a specific request pattern was basically a denial-of-service attack on their own infrastructure. Engineering team now teaching their servers what 'moderation' means. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)