⚪ Heroku's time-travel feature malfunction has been patched. Turns out your deploys were stuck in both past and present simultaneously—now they're just stuck in the present like normal.

⚪ Heroku's weekend mood swings have been treated with industrial-strength duct tape. Services are limping back to normal after deciding to ghost users for a bit. The 'reset it' strategy apparently works when you're desperate enough.

⚪ Heroku's Data add-on provisioning decided to ghost everyone harder than a bad Tinder date. One rollback later and suddenly databases could be created again. They promise to investigate why their code had commitment issues.

🟠 Heroku's US region decided to cosplay as a lottery system—some customers won connectivity, others got the participation trophy. Database latency spiked harder than a crypto bro's confidence in a bear market. The suggested fix? Failover your DB and pray the music chairs doesn't hit again. (Auto-resolved: no updates in 24h)

⚪ Heroku quietly resolved a feature that apparently time-traveled backwards to break things. Whatever 'retroactive' meant in this context, it's dead now. No word on whether they'll charge you for the privilege of fixing it.